I hate autism but I love you.

At school last week, one of the kids in Jellybeans class walked right up to him and gave him a two handed shove straight in the chest before we had gone into class. Jellybean went flying across the pavement with a big suprised look on his face. He did not retaliate but looked very surprised and confused.

The first thing that i have to say is that I dont blame him or him mum for his actions. This boy was having a bad day and struggles to express himself and instead lashes out. He is learning and his mum is trying so hard and honestly I am not upset.

I realise that all autistic children have issues and to quote something I read this week "autism makes as much sense as a screen door on a submarine". It is so true, Autism to me does not make sense, i hate autism but I love Jellybean. 

But I am torn because autism is a part of him, his personality, his quirkiness and no matter what I will love him just the way he is...but it makes my sons life hard. As a parent I think you just want your child to be happy and life not to be hard. Jellybean is a really happy kid. He has a gorgeous smile that shows off his big eyes and dimples. But, he struggles. He is frustrated. He gets annoyed that we cant understand him, he gets upset that he cannot tell me what he wants, that the world keeps changing and why cant he just be in control and do what he wants when he wants to. I truly just want life to be easier for him, for him to not be anxious and confused by the world. 

When he was little, he struggled with crowds and shops. he hated all the lights and noise and people. Even now he likes to hide in the pram with the hood down and I think pretend he is not there when things get too overwhelming. He has had major tantrums and meltdowns in shopping centres, parties, carparks and various other public places and when i was struggling to control him and the embarrassment was setting in with everyone looking at us I would say i love you and will always love you no matter what. Somehow it made me feel better. It didnt stop the starers and the tut tutters getting to me but it made me feel like my son is the most important person in this situation and my goal was to make him feel better not all the starers and the tut tutters.

So, anyway this incident at school made me think about my little guy and appreciate the fact that he is so gentle. He does not push, kick, slap or scratch. He does not attack smaller children in fact is supremely gentle with them. I worry though that it will be a problem in mainstream school as if someone asks for something of his, he just gives it over. Babygirl has realised this and is taking advantage of him which I just cringe at. I am trying to teach her sharing, turn taking and all that but it is hard work and Jellybean unfortunately takes the brunt of it.

Other people crying really upsets him also. Yesterday after school he cried uncontrollably for almost an hour. And no it wasn't a tantrum. The crying was different. Nothing i did could calm him. He didnt want to be cuddled, did not want to eat or drink or watch his favourite dvd. A dvd always calms him and yet he was so overcome that even that did not work. I asked at school adn they said that one child has been really upset in class and I think that is having an effect on Jellybean and he does not know what to do about it. Hopefully he can learn how to cope with it and school can give us some strategies.

I would love to see inside his little brain to see if the noise of someone crying sounds like a freight train going through his little head. I would love to know what he is thinking!!!